The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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