sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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