I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
