My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
My liver is preforming stress tests.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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