Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
