I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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