Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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