That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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