my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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