and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
