Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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