Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Randomize
