you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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