dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
