wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
