Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
