I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
