I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I didn't notice because vodka
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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