return my video game
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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