i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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