My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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