just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
