Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
false alarm, still single
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
