The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
