His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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