sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
