My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
