This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Randomize
