I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
