my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
