i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
