Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Randomize
