i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
