My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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