Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
