I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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