There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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