just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
