Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
