The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
