Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
