This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
