I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
