If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
