I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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