if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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