I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
