Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
thus making me awesome and them whores
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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