Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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