I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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