You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
