Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
