So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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